Dostoevsky's a Genius

So I'm reading the Brothers Karamozov, and while I didn't think I'd be able to get into such an extraordinary read, I find this an intriguing and thought-provoking exercise in mental stamina. I do have to force myself to pay attention, but basically any time Father Zossima opens his mouth, Dostoevsky pours forth wisdom that really could only come from an inspired and blessed monk and church father. Discussing "lack of faith," Fr. Zossima dispells the thought of being able to prove faith.

"No doubt. But there's no proving it, though you can be convinced of it."

"How?"

"By the experience of active love. Strive to love your neighbour actively and indefatigably. In as far as you advance in love you will grow surer of the reality of God and of the immortality of your soul. If you attain to perfect self-forgetfulness in the love of your neighbour, then you will believe without doubt, and no doubt can possibly enter your soul. This has been tried. This is certain."

Reading this, I was struck by my own lack of faith, not in God as a divine being or of His existence (my travels of late would dispel any of those thoughts if I had them), but in my own faith and ability to procure my own salvation, due to my own sins. I find myself forgiving when it comes to others trespasses, but difficult for me to bear my own. But then again, only a few pages before, Fr. Zossima addresses this as well:

Fear nothing and never be afraid; and don't fret. If only your penitence fail not, God will forgive all... Can there be a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God? Think only of repentance, continual repentance, but dismiss fear altogether... If you are penitent, you love. And if you love you are of God. All things are atoned for, all things are saved by love...Love is such a priceless treasure that you can redeem the whole world by it, and expiate not only your own sins but the sins of others.

The whole thing that really sucks about all this is that we can try to be academic and learn and discuss and wish and pray for the people that need to be loved and helped, but when it comes down to us choosing, help or not, we choose, and usually gladly and to great relief, the latter. Only very rarely do we choose the former and engage in true love and sacrifice. I really like what St. John the Merciful used to pray when he became the Patriarch of Constantinople. He was so richly blessed and gave so much to the poor from the wealth of the church that he would challenge God and say "We will see Lord, who will win this contest: You who constantly give me good gifts, or I who will never stop giving them to away to the poor, for I have nothing that does not come to me by Thy mercy, which upholds my life." The thing is, the more he gave, the more that was given, and neither the Church NOR the poor ever went lacking. This is the measure of God's resolve. If we are to give our blessings away, He will never stop giving us more. Oh, how do we let go of our petty visions of what we "want" or "need." God will provide. And like Lewis says, "...but there is no hope in the end of getting where you want to go except by going God’s way..." Hopefully, the two can join, and we can enjoy the life God truly has for us, the one we cannot see with closed eyes and ears.